


The Breakdown of a Sane Mind

by im_a_broken_mess



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Other, tw: Obsession, tw: self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 3,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29598984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/im_a_broken_mess/pseuds/im_a_broken_mess
Summary: This is how you make me feel





	1. Wednesday 10th Feb

I met you today. 

M had decided to make new friends, and meet new people.

You were one of these people.

We ate dinner together, the three of us, and later were in the same quiz team.

Not that we did much.

We just talked.


	2. Thursday 11th Feb

We had breakfast together, with M and C. We all talked about all sorts of random shit.

Then we had archery. Together.

Just you and me.

We talked a lot there, too.

H said we were flirting.

And keep teasing us about it.

At this time, we were just friends. If I was flirting, I wasn't doing it intentionally.

We grew closer.

I then had high ropes.

The scariest one wasn't because it was difficult - it was actually quite easy. It was scary, because I did not trust the person belaying me.

It was H.

He said that he and the others had to keep me alive. For you.

After orienteering, I went to find you.

You were in the gym, doing team building exercises.

I didn't stay for long, as there wasn't anything I could do.

Halfway through Air Rifles, I ditched my team to go on the flying fox.

It was totally to go on the flying fox.

Not to see you.

Not at all.

You waved when you saw me coming up, and you were going down.

Mr P had let me have a couple of goes.

We shouted out hi to one another when I went down the first time.

I got up to the top before you went again.  
It was great.   
  
We then walked back over to the mess hall, together, talking.

M, you and I spent ½ an hour on the playground, just talking.  
  


We spent a lot of time talking - you and I. You were the person I talked to the most on camp, after all.  
  
Then was the competition.   
We are in different houses, so we didn't get to talk.

It got me stressed - the competition that is. I had to step out 3 times, due to it being overwhelming.

When we sat down to see what we had done, I saw you. You were at the opposite corner of the hall, with the best view.  
  
I’m not going to lie, I spent quite a bit of time staring at you then.   
  
After the competition, the judges had to decide.   
And an arm wrestling contest was put on to fill in time.   
That’s when I made my way over to you.   
The people watching the arm wrestling were being loud.

  
So, after realizing we couldn’t see what was happening that well, we left out the back. Well, technically the front, but the furthest area away from the loud people.

We weren’t out there for long before we had to go back inside to hear the results.

My house got 1st.  
  
Yours got 4th.   
  


I helped to clean up, and then couldn’t find you after that.

  
I wanted to give you the lollies I had gotten for being in a winning house.   
I was also gonna use said lollies to bribe you into doing the burma trail with me.   
As M wasn’t gonna do it.   
  
When we were about to go, I ran back, and knocked on the door closest to where you were sleeping. At least, I think it was the right one.   
No-one answered.   
So I went without you.   
  
That night I was up until midnight, thinking about you.   
  
And that’s when I realized I had a massive crush on you.


	3. Friday 12th Feb

I woke up at 5.30 today, and almost immediately got butterflies in my stomach, thinking about you.

At 6, I gave up, and got dressed, before going for a walk.

I walked to the meeting point, and back, 5 times.

Waiting for M to get up, so I could ask for advice.

When she got up I told her, and her reply? To wait. Wait for you to get over B.

I barely ate any breakfast.   
Every time I looked over at your houses’ table, the butterflies would surge. And I would feel sick.

I started to bite my knuckle. To give me something else to focus on.

After packing, we talked.   
I introduced you to Ms T’s brownies.   
As at that time, I was still feeling a bit sick.   
  


This was also when the joke of me being an insider woman for your house was bought up.   
Also, locking me in the Bio cupboard.   
  
When you looked at my eyes, the butterflies were there.   
I’m surprised you couldn’t tell.

When we parted ways, you offered me a hug.   
I was shocked for a moment, then hugged you.

I was thinking about that until we saw each other again.

We did interhouse activities, and I didn’t talk to you until after I did the confidence course.   
We had to go on the same bus that we went on to get here.   
But luckily we were on the same bus.   
M immediately called sitting next to C.   
So, we sat together.   
  
H tried to get you to put your arm around me.   
You refused.   
I didn’t say anything, but I sorta wanted you to…   
  
During the bus ride, I placed my foot against yours.   
You probably didn’t notice.

Every time your sleeve brushed against my arm was enough to send the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy.

I saw you lip-syncing along to a song, so I asked you about it.   
You let me use your headphones to listen to it.   
Pit of Vipers.

I didn’t hear much of it, but when I got home, I listened to the whole thing.   
It’s quite good.

The rest of the bus ride was mostly in silence.

When at school, you were going to leave.   
I asked you for a hug.   
You agreed.

Three hours after I last saw you, I was missing you.


	4. Saturday 13th Feb

Tired from camp.   
  


Thinking about you.


	5. Sunday 14th Feb

Had a 9 hour work shift today.

Was thinking about you a lot.

Woke up at 4.30am, and couldn’t get back to sleep due to butterflies.

I’ve been texting you, and you haven’t responded yet. I’m starting to get worried. Are you okay? Are you ignoring me?

This weekend has gone too long.

I’m missing you.

Talked to D at work today.

She thought you and C were dating.

She also said that you were mine now.

I wish I had corrected her.

Because you aren't mine.

I'm yours.


	6. Monday 15th Feb

We met outside the library.   
  
Your phone was dead, so that’s why you weren’t responding.


	7. Tuesday 16th Feb

We hung out in the Music room with M and C to eat.

Laughed with you.


	8. Wednesday 17th Feb

I tried out for House leader today.   
  


Whenever I see you, it brightens my day. It makes me smile.   
  
I wonder what it is like to hold your hand?

I told C I liked you in front of you.

I can’t remember why it was brought up, but I got asked by C who my crush was.

I waited until you weren’t looking, and indicated you with my head.

Her reaction was priceless.

Apparently I was blushing, because you pointed it out.

  
  


What are the signs of depression?

Is it that because I'm sad whenever I'm not with you, I'm depressed? Or just obsessed? 

Is it even healthy?

And should I even tell you how much I am yours?

Not being able to talk to you would kill me, though.

But I so want to tell you.

I so want you to be mine.

Because I'm already yours, and that won't change.

They are helping, yes, but also telling me to wait.

And I can't wait.

I'm an impatient, greedy bastard.

And I want more than we have.

I want to hold your hand, buy you food, and tell you that I care for you.

You mean so much to me.

And you don't even know.

What do I do?

Do I tell you?

Do I just enjoy time with you, and suffer in silence?

I'm going to ask you out tomorrow...


	9. Thursday 18th Feb

I asked you at interval today.

I had to spell it out for you.   
  
I asked if you wanted to go get Hot Chocolates, and you asked when.   
I said Monday, maybe? And you started scrolling through your phone, presumably looking at your calendar.

I felt like you didn’t understand.

I said “Like, not as friends.”

You looked confused.

I was shaking as I said “I’m asking you on a date.”   
You…

You asked if you could think about it.

I was fine with that. At least that’s what I said.

I barely did any work in Calculus, Study and Physics.

I was devastated.

I was tearing up.

I saw you outside the library after Study.

Well, I waited to talk to you.

I then went to the Music room, and cried.

I didn’t let M or C see.

I had rowing this afternoon.

It was shit.

I had a mental breakdown.

Over you.

I took the “later” as a rejection.

Because who would want me?

I just fucked up our friendship all because I was a selfish greedy bitch and wanted more than what we had.

When I got home, I got out the razor blades from where I hidden them after October - the only other time I had cut.

I cut myself.

I pulled a blade over my skin to make me bleed.

It felt good.

It felt like my emotions were draining away.

Later on, I had dance.

And I actually was smiling by the end.


	10. Chapter 10

J, 9:03PM

Oh, shi- I just realized that the house leaders are announced tomorrow.

Whatcha gonna do if your insider woman got house leader? /hj

A, 8.04am

Unsure would have to talk with Miss


	11. Friday 19th Feb

I was not expecting that reply.

I needed to talk to you.

When I saw you, I was happy. I also was feeling regret.   
  
What would you say?

I finally asked for your answer.   
And your reply?

_ I don’t like you like that, but can we still be friends? _

Yes.   
As long as you are happy, I would bury my sadness just so I could see you.

  
  


Before I went to bed, I bought the blade over my skin.   
Again.   
It didn’t go deep enough, didn’t bring any more pain than a sting.

So I did it again, and again.

5 cuts.

None deep enough.


	12. Saturday 20th Feb

I started writing.

Writing everything down.

I kinda want you to read this.

To know what’s happening to me.

But I also want to stay near you.

If you read this, you would not want to speak to me again. Ever.

I’ve been falling apart ever since I met you.

Because of you.

Is it healthier to just cut all contact?

Because you still make me smile.

And I couldn’t imagine life without you.

I wanted to cut when I came home from rowing.

Let everything go, for a bit.

But we have guests over today.

And it’s summer.

I won’t be able to hide the open wounds well.


	13. Sunday 21st Feb

I cut last night.

I tried not to, but after ½ an hour of tossing and turning in my bed, I gave up.

And I cut myself.

Only one of the cuts was deep enough, but it was fine.

I keep expecting to see you at work.

I don't know why.

Maybe I'm also hoping?

That you will just suddenly turn up, and make my day so much better.

One of the managers at work saw my cuts.

Only a glimpse though.

He asked me about it, and I tried to play it off as "I was scratched by my cat."

I don't think he believed me.

He asked if I thought he was stupid.

And said that I could talk to him if I needed to.

What would I say?

_ Oh, I have this massive crush on a guy. I asked him out though, and he rejected me. _

_ He did ask if we could still be friends, and now I'm sacrificing my happiness for his. _

Yeah, that would go down a massive treat.

I'm cutting myself so that I can point at it and say "This is why I'm hurting."

And not acknowledge the fact that the reason why I'm hurting is you.


	14. Monday 22nd Feb

I cut last night.

I've just noticed I'm saying this a lot.

It's true though.

Honestly, cutting is kinda addicting.

The pain as I draw the blade across my skin.

The knowledge that I should not be doing this, but I am.

The fear that my parents will find out I'm cutting. Or, that you will find out the reason  _ why _ I'm cutting.

I miss you.

Can't wait to get to school and see you.

Here I am, walking over to you.

I'm feeling sick for some reason…

Butterflies?

You were upset about something, so I offered you a hug.

You said no.

Why?

Is it just me?

Because you hug everyone else.

You have only hugged me once since I asked you out.

…

Should I show this to you?

Should I risk our friendship for the mental help I obviously need?

What do I do?

What do I do…

I want to cut.

You are standing right there, it's lunch, and I want to cut.

You said you might start coming in to work on Sundays.

To see me.

You asked about my breaks.

That…

That would be amazing…

Honestly, you are sending off mixed signals.

You say you don’t like me like that, and can we just be friends?

Then you’re asking about my breaks, and talking about  _ going out of your way to visit me at work _ .

Shook.


	15. Tuesday 23rd Feb

I DIDN'T cut last night.

Yay!

I asked you why you seemed upset.

You said it was because you were thinking about something else.

Oh…

_ You don’t know the half of it. _ _   
_ _ I’m a fucking mess. _

Do I tell you?

Let you read the fucking rabbit hole mess that is my obsession for you, and how it’s affecting me?

Blame it on the ASD, right?

_ Hey, you know how I said why I was cutting, and that you didn’t know the half of it? _ _   
_ _ Well, here is the full reason why. _

_ Warning: It’s a real fucking rabbit-hole of a mess, and I don’t know if you would want to be my friend after this. _ _   
_ _ Can we please stay friends? _

_ Please… _

_ You don’t have to read this if you don’t want to.  _

I did it.

I gave you the key to the secret that may unravel our friendship.

I gave you the key that would allow you to find out my obsession.

I really hope we can stay friends.

Truely.

You are one of the few people who make me happy.

Whenever I see you, my day becomes instantly better.

I love spending time with you.

_ Where are we going? _

_ I was following you. _

_ Well, I was following you. _

You should know I'll always follow you.

I don't care where we go, as long as I'm with you.


	16. Wednesday 24th Feb

_ Still no matter what we will friends and even if your messed up  _

_ Besides we all are messed up in some way some more than others but it just makes you human _

Do you mean it?

You haven't read this yet.

I'm not so sure you would be saying the same thing.

I've been texting you but you haven't responded.

M doesn't know where you are.

I called you but I could barely hear you.

I want to fucking cut.

Please respond….

Please….

Today was shit without you.

I missed you.

You are the main reason I want to come to school each day.

I miss you whenever I'm not with you.

I’m begging you to come to Athletics Day.

I don’t want to spend another day without you.

I already struggle on the weekends.

Spending time with you makes me happy. 

I just want to cry.

If you are a drug, then I’m addicted.


	17. Thursday 25th Feb

Begging you to come tomorrow.

You say you're more likely to come later on…

I hope you don’t go during lunch.

I’ll miss you.

You’re my emotional support person.

You make me happy.

Just spending time with you makes me happy.

Not being near you makes me sad.

A full day without you is enough to make me feel empty.

You mean so much to me. 


	18. Friday 26th Feb

You came!

We spent a lot of time together.

Just talking.

E and D both said they thought we would make a cute couple.

I mean, idk? But I won't push it as I know you don't like me like that.

Totally needed another reminder that you still like B.

When you were talking about that, I leaned over and whispered in A's ear that I wanted to cry.

It's good that you guys get along anyway.

I’m one of your best friends?

Okay...


	19. Saturday 27th Feb

Would you ever give me a chance?

If you did, I could help you forget about him.

I would smother you in affection, and make sure you never felt unloved or alone.

I would buy your favourite food whenever you wanted it.

I would hug you whenever you want hugs, cause hey, I like hugs too.

I would be there for you.

But that's just a bunch of ifs.

There is a part of me, however small, that wants to kill him, or at the very least, remove him from the school.

Have you all to myself.


	20. Monday 1st March

I’m not sure we can stay friends.

I’m not sure that I, that my mental health can just stand there, having a panic over  _ him _ , while I so desperately want you to give me a chance.

I should tell you.

That I cannot just be friends with you.

It’s all or nothing.

I’m sorry.

I can’t do this to myself.

I can’t continue to sacrifice my happiness for yours.

I don’t care if I’m being selfish.

I need to look after myself for once.

I can’t keep on like this.

I can’t…

Please…

_ I hate to ask this, but would you ever give me a chance? _

_ I'm sorry but no because I see you as friend and nothing more sorry again  _ 😢

_ Eh _

_ Worth a shot _

_ It's fine :) _

It's not fine.

I want to cry, but then again, I want to cry all the time.

Hopefully this can help.

Hopefully I can get over you.

Hopefully I can find  _ other _ ways to be happy.

I'm gonna try focusing on  **my** wellbeing now.


End file.
